After centuries of selfless duty and dedication, Santa is calling it quits.
Mrs. Claus has been nagging more and more about fixing the squeaky doors, repairing leaky pipes and, well, you get the idea. Plus, the ever-increasing Christmas season is a huge pain in the ass. It used to kick off at Thanksgiving, nowadays decorations go up in September!

Don't worry, he won't disappear completely. Santa will still supervise toy manufacturing (especially since that toxic paint incident last year - still in court over that one) and oversee the official Naughty and Nice List.

To help ease his transition into retirement, Santa has asked Meridian Group to help him find an assistant who can deliver toys on Christmas, handle the "pictures with Santa" thing at the mall and generally represent the Claus Enterprises Inc. brand in a positive light.

We immediately thought you would be a great fit (no, this has nothing to do with those few extra pounds). You're always so jolly and good with kids. Plus we're sure you'll appreciate the generous benefits package*; including unlimited eggnog, free dry cleaning and full use of the North Pole Fitness Center.

If you would please take a moment to fill out this short application. Your SANTABILITY® Rating will reveal if you're worthy of filling the big guy's boots.

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